The way towards myself

Reg her

2008-04-19T23:18:00.004+05:30

Hmmmm...I am not sure till what time I can stop thinking about her. She is like a magnet that attracts me. but there isn't much damage these days because of that. I have learnt to distance myself from her thoughts. I do it in various ways.
Sometimes, I feel I may not be suited for marriage. But like everything else, I would like to prove everyone wrong in my life. There are a lot of people who think that I cant take up business and do it successfully. But I am sure that I can do justice to any work that I take up, I have the confidence to strive hard to make a meaningful business. Let me see how things work out.
There was a girl in my previous project who was the same sunsign as her. And boy, I knew the attraction i had towards this girl. Its so natural for me to get attracted to this girl. Anyway, I knew my limits this time and also knew how the girl feels. So, I have been able to maintain a friendly relation. But thats a nice experience. to know that the girl can react in a similar way and have similar characteristics.

Problemos!!

2008-04-13T10:03:00.002+05:30

I feel some kind of squeezed up feeling at home....I am not able to think as clearly or freely as I can outside my home...I am not sure if I am right, but I am getting this feeling sort of recently...Initially, I dismissed it as a mood change..but nowadays I am feeling it very strongly...Not sure where the problem is...Need to check it out completely!!! Guide me, Oh Lord!!

2008-03-16T00:15:00.000+05:30

Today was one of those days when I felt so low to do work and about myself and me in this world. I am completely stressed out...Every day going to my home back provided the much needed relief of de-stressing myself. But this week, I am all to myself and that bores me completely..I hope to go out and explore the place...
And today, the girl reminded me of her by posting a pic in her album. Possibly she put it there for her parents. But after seeing her photo, it rekindled all the love/desire I had for her. I just cant get her out of my mind and these thoughts were taking me donw the path for a complete devdas feeling. Bit I am learning to ignore that feeling and get on with life. Theres more to life than just this girl. I shouldnt have got motivated to like this girl. Pleae give me strength to tide over such feeling sand lead me on the right path Sai. And Sai, when are you coming here. Please let me have your darshan. Let me get a chance of the glimpse of you Sai. My life would be redeemed.
And I am still not clear about marriage. Sometimes I feel teh need for companion but the feeling that you are there for me removes that feeling. So, should I really marry? Cant I do something useful work for this society in my life. Let me generate employment, provide needed help to the needy & make my world a better palce to live in Sai.
One thing that is clear being in bangalore is that, people want to lead a self centred life. With their own thoughts, their own interests and their own world. I think I cant live like that. If I marry, please guide me to find a good girl. Please help me look beyond the skin and find a true friend for life Sai. Its a difficult job, but I have faith in You to help me do that Sai. Please help me in that.
And please help us to work to achieve our goals. Please Sai!! Help us to deliver our work better. Help it be deployed successfully. Please Sai. Everyone's worked really hard and its a great feeling. Let this final lap go through successfully!!

Cant get her out of my mind

2008-02-09T23:01:00.000+05:30

I have had this thought for long now to address it genuinely. I still do not know how to address it. I am saying about the girl - Harshitha. I just am not able to get her out of my mind. She is so deeply embedded in my consciousness that its been very tough not to think about her even for a moment in a day. Something tells me I should find it out from her if she is really not interested. I want to mail her and check out. But I donot want to do it. She would feel hurt if she realizes that she is causing so much pain to someone else. Thats her attitude. Oh God! What a dilemma you have put me in. I dedicate it at Your feet Sai. Please take over and make me take the right decision in life.
I am utterly confused for the moment about her - Was it Love or was it just a infatuation? I dont feel its infatuation. For I never desired her physical closeness; I just wanted to spend my life with her and my thoughts were never on the physical plane. Hmm...Cant say much...Praying to You to show me the guidance.

Devdas - Me??

2008-01-26T20:51:00.000+05:30

I dont know why, for the past few days I have been thinking about Harshitha very much. I am not sure if this is due to her being at US or something else. Something made me to mail her and she responded. Was this because she was expecting me to enquire about her. For there is none at India, other that her parents, who would do it.
And the thought that I may end up not marrying Harshitha nowadays weighs heavily. I should not have loved her or is it unlimited desire for her. I never thought of attaining her. I had a vision of living with her. Living my life with her. May be this day and night dream is causing this pain in my heart. I cant say it to anyone. No one understands except my Lord. He teaches me every time what it is to love someone and how much pain we feel if it is not reciprocated. Hmmmm, this is making me search for her everywhere except calling her up. I just want to know something of her. Thats it. God, guide me on the right path. Please lead me and make me take the right decisions. I still feel we were made to meet in this life for some purpose. Please clarify me on this Lord!!

Life's like that!!

2008-01-20T11:16:00.000+05:30

After all the hectic schedule in the last month, my role and my work has become very little in my project. I havent got much to do these days and I have been questioning my lead in this case to roll me off and take me back when work arises. But as usual, there has been no reply from him and I am still at Bangalore learning the ways of life and project delivery. Things have escalated to the senior management regarding the poor handling of the project by my manager. I hope he gets good counseling on how to learn to get better in handling these kind of projects. Its kind of strange that we are not able to learn anything from our manager for this is the period I need to understand how to handle people/issues and get better when I get the chance.
Harshitha has left for onsite and I felt so bad about it. I am happy that she has left. Atleast now, I can stop imagining meeting her on the roads or at her place. Thank God for that!!! But still, when she called up to say she was leaving, I just could wish her the very best and could say no more. I might not forget her for my life, but thats still early to say!!
Coming to alliances and marriage, I am not sure I would get married this year. I have been giving everyone the signal that I would get married but it doesnt seem likely this year. I just pray to God to show me the right path. Please lead me on the right path. I am feeling so weak that I dont want to type anymore. And I hear my grandma weeping behind me as I type and that adds to the misery. This body is born to die and I have to make the most within this timespan!
I hope I make it to HIM in this lifetime.

Lots of updates

2007-12-20T22:54:00.000+05:30

Its been a long time that I have posted here. Its becoming the usual way nowadays. The thing is I cannot do this at Office and I need to be back at home and comfortable enough to do this. I am at Bangalore now and its been a hectic 3 weeks. I found out that the scope of the work is pretty much limited here. So, I think we are almost delivering the work that we are supposed to do. I wanted to go back home but my manager said that you have a good chance of getting promoted if you stay back here. I am just hoping that everything goes fine.

Now coming to my personal life, I was looking for a girl for marriage and there is one alliance that is almost through. I hope it works out well. The girl is ok and I hope that she has a very good character. Thats what is most important when I am going to lead my life with her. The process is going slow and I think it is the right way to happen. We should not hurry up into marriage and the girl should also be aware of the responsibilities that she might have when she comes home.

Harshitha hurt me when she spoke so unconvincingly that day. I hope I forget her soon. Its just the bad feeling that someone used me for some odd purpose. Otherwise, I am pretty much happy.

This girls name is Sampreethi and I hope she brings sweetness and happiness to the places she goes. My work is pretty much becoming more and more guiding teams. The foundation I had at TCS was very helpful. I thank God for showing me the right way. And I pray to You God to show me the right way in my life ecah and every time.

One more thing I need to do soon is to register the house in my name and start looking out for a good home near by to Tambaram. The sooner it happens the better. There are a few confusions reg the house registration and I hope it gets clarified soon. I think I have to be there to get this thing resolved completely.

Its been a great learning experience here in Bangalore. I really like it. But the sad thing is that the traffic here is pretty bad. I just cant understand how the traffic can be so pathetic when there has been so much investment done here. But anyways, Chennai is far better than this place and I long to go back to my hometown. This is the first time in my life that I am feeling to go back to my hometown. I havent felt like this before. It last happened when I was in Sydney and I really felt I should be back in India. Now I feel that I should be back in Chennai. I hope I go back soon. But somethings are not under my control and I leave it to God to see that everything happens according to His Will. Please guide me Lord.

Sisters son is doing good. I forgot to mention this. My grandma is very ill. And she is confined to bed most of the time. Its been real hard work for my mother. May be she is repaying some previous birth's karma. I have to learn a lesson in the way people treat their mothers when they become old. I should take care of my mother and grandmother in the best possible way. The life I lead is their gift. Help me never forget this fact.

Lord, I pray to You to show me the right path amidst these very dynamic times. Its a learning phase for me and help me prepare for a bigger role ahead in my lif to serve the community. I should really grow out of all this and contribute to the community in a big way. Please help me do that. That should be the goal in my life. And I pray to You to give me life partner who would help me become that. Please Lord!!!

Long time, No see!!

2007-11-03T23:15:00.000+05:30

Its quite sometime that I could catch up with my thoughts. Not that i am thinking something great, but havent given time to myself in the daily hustle and bustle of this life. I went to Kakinada for my Friends marriage and man, that area is quite rich - rich in culture, money and agricultural land. Its Gods gift to those people. Really. My friend after a long struggle with his parents, finally convinced them to let him marry his love!!!
I was trying to upload a photo and that takes so much time. Man, the bandwidth is still to less in my country. I am seeing lots of marriages these days and I think it is kindling desires for marriage in me. Atleast now, I have a clear understanding between Love and sex. Thank God. If I see some girl these days, I can clearly distinguish whether its sex that crosses my mind or Love. This clarity is very essential and I hope I maintain it through out my life.
In my current company, lots of girls kindle only thoughts of sex and not love. May be the environs are like that. Some girls dont generate any feeling at all. May be they create impressions like that. I pray to God to show me the right path in life all the time.
And what else, not sure....Its only office, girls, home..some fun...and then the cycle..When I say girls, I dont hang out physically, but mentally!!! More stimulating!! Amidst all this, searching for a meaning to my life. Looks like it is within me and I am yet to uncover it!!! :-)

Too busy

2007-10-19T23:34:00.000+05:30

These days have become hectic with only weekends giving me some time for myself. Ofcourse I am nt taking up things that are out of my control. But still, concentrating on too many things have led to average performance from ym side. But thats ok. We cant be at our peak all the time. And that too with so many pulls in all directions.
I just cant remember what happened in the past 3 weeks other than driving to office and coming back, relations visit and todays visit to Nalini's home. Forgot to mention. Today was my birthday and that lady called up to wish me. I hope she still has some respect for me. I am losing it out for her. Not sure why?? Didnt feel the joy that I felt last year when she called up. Only thing that I felt was why she called up. I need to learn all these and take it as part of life.
Forgot to mention one funny thing. My underwear was a little loose yesterday and while going to Lunch it came down inside my pants. I was trying to keep it up all the time. Man, so difficult it was. I couldnt say this to anyone, I had to take my lunch for I had ordered it and I had this issue that no one could observe. It was a pathetic 45 mins for me. Finally, rushed to the Restroom and got it set. Thank God!!

Idiotic life!!

2007-10-01T22:01:00.000+05:30

The last week or so, I have been pretty bored with my life and what I am doing. I am not completely not sure where I would end up. but for the moment I am not bothered at all, for I know God would have kept something ready for me. Only, I need to work towards that!!
We got 4 days holiday and the 4 days went by just like that. My friend flew to saudi today, for a new job. I wish him my very best from my heart and I know that he will do good. Another friends mother is not well. I hope she recovers completely!! And in the middle, I waste time for people who do not respect me. Especially girls!! I dont know why?? May be its the time of life where I need to be careful with this. I remember the dialogue from the movie - Godfather -- Women and Children can be careless, but not men!! I should remember that!!
I am in that mood now where there are a million things that run in my mind and I cant put one thing onto paper or words. I dont if others have experienced this. There is a constant build up of emotions that dont get translated to word or actions around me. But they seem to mould the decisions I make. Strange life. Stranger even is Man!!!

Kick Off

2007-09-24T22:48:00.000+05:30

Kick off doesnt mean some football match. But, instead its one of the Accenture Internal Initiatives kick-off. And 3 from IDC are involved in it along with some global people. Its a different kind of feeling on how this would turn out. Just hoping to give our best in this.
my colleague is not interested in this at all. She seems to have some psychological hold up. Need to get her out of there. And I dont know what to say...Life is taking me and I am flowing with that!!! Oh God! I pray to You to bring changes in my personal life. I mean the urge to change myself, or atleast to transform myself!!!

Not working!!

2007-09-22T00:32:00.000+05:30

The past two days were spent with minimal work being done. I became lazy after the resolving the issues. The problem could be because of not being appreciated. It was such a isolated issue to resolve and it took so much of my time and there was no appreciation on that. Its ok. I know how to motivate myself to give out my best.
Today, I watched the 'Bourne Ultimatum' movie. It was quite good. But the biggest problem was the camera that seems to have been hand held and the picture was consistently shaking. Even I could have done a better job with the technology around. There was so much of close-up shots done and with the zoom/focus that the camera had, it should have been mounted. But unfortunately, it was not so. But the movie was great. Very well paced and Matt Damon lived that role. Minimal expressions and the final scene reminded me of religion/bible/Gita.
These days, I enjoy loooking at girls. Not in a vulgar sense, but just appreciating the beauty. The funniest thing that happened in the past 3 days was this - I expressed interest to a girl who had posted on the online matrimony site. The day she seems to have seen the mail, she has hidden her profile. Just like I did when I created my profile. Nice response!!! :-)
I spend some amount of time daily looking for a proper profile. Not many girls are willing to put their photo on Web. I am not sure why they dont do so. Its very difficult to accept any profile without looking at the person. We all make some of our decisions about people after looking at them - either directly or through the means of the media.
And I dont want to sleep early. Its just that I want to do something in life. I am damn sure I am nearing what I need to be in life, in the sense trying to understand what I should be. When I completely realise that, I should be a diferent person altogether. I hope and pray to Swami for this to happen.

Got it going!!

2007-09-19T22:25:00.000+05:30

Today we successfully got the flow right. And all the config issues were resolved. The work was completely stressful till the issue was resolved. Now we can concentrate on the second phase of the complete project. Today I found a profile of a girl in the matrimony site and she looked gorgeous in the photo. But I am not really sure if she will look the same in real. Anyway, expressed interest. Just wait and see how things go!!! This searching for a girl should be a careful process. At no point should we hurt the sentiments of others. I pray to God to make my life partner an understandable person and capable of guiding me on the right path in life!!!
Thank God! I am in India!! Just a thought that occured!!! :-)

Confused today

2007-09-18T21:09:00.000+05:30

Today we had an issue at office and it took most of our time researching into this. And finally we felt that the issue could be due to the data that we are sending. I think we are sending the wrong data downstream that is getting filtered out. And we were all the time thinking that the environment had a problem. This is the result of not being strong functionally.
Thats something to learn about. Let me see how things go!!!!
One thing that I like in my concern is the range of beautiful girls that we can see. Its a different kind of enjoyment atleast momentarily!!! How long it is going to be is another question...??? ;-)
And here are the photos that I took yesterday night. I was not getting sleep and decide to play around with light and shadows using my K750i cam. Pics are not bad, I guess!!
The above one used the Umbrella that we use in India for Ganesha Chathurthi. The below one I tried for the light n shadows effect. You and your shadow are always next to each other!!

Work at last!!

2007-09-17T21:36:00.000+05:30

Today, we got some work finally. It was a great feeling to work consistently for such a long time. And I may be working in Global Initiatives. That is something I am intentionally taking it up as my thoughts have changed to prepare for either IAS or MBA. Probably i think I would go for MBA. But IAS is challenging. But I dont like the politicians under whom I may need to work. I think I can influence them to do good things if I have some say on their workings. For that I need to be in a strong position in life.
Let me see how things unfold themselves. I will wait for the Application form for Symbiosis and see what I can do with that. And meanwhile I can update myself with the new analysis and see how things would go.
We had a minor issue today and it took us the entire day to research and resolve it. Finally, we resolved it. Thank God. Now we have the other issue pending. I think that needs to be looked at tomorrow. If we can get that resolved that would be a great work. And the next thing that we would be doing is design the BPEL components and come up with the POC.
Please guide me on the right path Sai. Its great to work on challenging things, where you have to create your own path!!!! I took a photo last week, that I liked very much. Just posting it here.
Retailing in India - the starters

Fleeting thoughts

2007-09-16T22:50:00.000+05:30

Today, I dont know why, I had fleeting thoughts for Harshi. I am not sure why, but may be because I saw her online yesterday. Enough of her Sai!! And I was wondering today - Why not I try for IAS? Atleast, I can make myself useful in the service of the country. I think I may need to start preparing...Looks like the right time for it!! Oh God! Please let me now if its the right path!! And guide me Lord!!!
I am enjoying myself by looking at the profiles of different girls on matrimony sites. Marriage has been made such a tough proposition these days. With girls choosing the wrong guys or the family choosing the easiest way out of their responsibilities.

Om Ganeshaya namaha!!

2007-09-15T22:56:00.000+05:30

Today was Ganesh Chathurthi. I woke up as usual late and went to the market to bring the Vinyaka's idol for the pooja. Its really an event to go to the market and buy the idol and all other materials required for the worship. You see so many different kinds of people in different modes of transport - walk, cycle, bike, car, auto to get their favorite God's Idol to their home for worship.
I was not doing these things earlier, but it is interesting to do this activity as it lifts my spirit for the day. And the other most important even for today was the function at the Samithi. All children of the balvikas assembled for practice and somehow you get dragged into this work. I want to do this, but I dont get myself involved. But, one way or the other, you end up doing something for it. Its fun, getting these kids dressed up, making them ready for the drama, song, speech, dance. Its the major event for the day. I am putting a pic here of the function that was organised at the Samithi.Another one here - The team that did it!!

I really like these festivals. They teach you so many things when taken in the right spirit and makes you realize that being together for each other is the way to go in life. I love this country. I dont know why I said that. I find a freedom here that is not present anywhere else!!!!
On my part I always ed my day frustrating myself. I am not sure when I will change from this completely!!! I can very well do that, but the time saved should be utilized for other things. Since i am not engaging in other things, I tend to waste my energy and time in this.

Fire drill

2007-09-13T21:48:00.000+05:30

Today we had a fire drill and Ravi and me were among the first to reach the Assembling point. It was great fun to see all people come out of their cabins and assemble. Even after that coordinators was giving so many instructions, none of them followed and were making fun of him. It was actually a well planned exercise, but none recognised it. Everyone wanted to be back in their own comfort zone.
I took some photos of the crowd and you wont believe that so many people work in Indian IT Companies. I felt it be like the busiest shopping center in Chennai - T.Nagar. That was the size of the crowd.
I am attaching the photo for the first time. Not sure how it will come out. It has come out quite well. Good!! Then I can attach more photos in my blogs...Atleast to make it interesting for myself, when I go through later!!

Day at work today

2007-09-11T19:46:00.000+05:30

Today was a fine day at office. It was long time that I actually put my grey cells to work. And I feel I still have a lot to learn in this kind of work. I hope to get the pending issues resolved and hope to migrate the site contents to the Prod site.

I got a call from Vasanth today. He has come back from US and wants to know how my company is? Its really strange that everyone wants to earn good money. No one is bothered about good work. Good money, decent lifestyle and life without pressures. Man, I think Indian youth are being completely lured and attracted by the destructive lifestyle. Including me.

I am learning to drive my bike ok. Today I would have hit a bike going in front of me. For a moment, I took my concentration off from the road and could have lead to an accident today. Luckily, it didn't happen. Thank God!!

Where I am going?

2007-09-03T21:56:00.000+05:30

Actually I am writing this to let off some steam that is building inside and to see if I can get a clarity of thought while writing this. I have finally decided strongly to stop contacts with that girl either through sms or calls. It was my mistake. On looking at this sites name - 'Way towards myself'; I was laughing at myself. For this site's name should have been - 'flirtation with a girl'. for I feel most of the content would be about her, I think.

I dont know if it was a mistake. But it was a great learning. Coming to the work that I am doing or to be exact - I am not doing anything at work. Thats been bothering me for quite sometime. I have thought about, talked to my manager, my friends. But i am still not able to get a solution regarding this. Where is this work leading to. Its all fine if I am in this concern. But what about my value if I go out. What would be the use of doing non-technical work when the demand is for people who know the technology. I love doing technical work and thats what I told my manager too, but for everything he calls me to bangalore. Is that the place where I ought to settle. I am still undecided about this.

This thought of work is bothering me day in and day out. To escape from that I am resorting to all sorts of tactics - like self-enjoyment, bike driving, learning photoshop, fiddling with my Linux, trying to think of alternate sources of income and at night watch all junk. I am not sure where this is leading me. I pray to God to show me the right path soon. I dont want to quit now for I have not added anything to my resume and that bothers me day in and day out. Most of my colleagues are moving to other projects where as I am the only person that has been locked to the capability. I do not want to comment but it bothers me. I am just staying in Chennai for my parents sake and to take care of them. That's that only thing that i have in my life.

For all the things that I have done in my life, I think taking care of them without any complaints would be the greatest work in life that I can do. I feel I may not be able to mange the aspirations of a girl. Or not sure if a girl would be happy with me. I can give all my life to these people who have showered their love and affection and without whom i wouldn't be leading the life that I am leading now. Its become a lot of comfort. Oh God! Help me take care of them at all times in my life.

Coming to my personal life that I mentioned before. I dont know why I talk in terms of a third person when I try to write about myself. may be in that way I evaluate myself objectively. So that my emotions dont over rule me. That helps sometimes but not always. For I am not able to react emotionally to certain things these days.

Prakash is consistently going to work and that is the most heartening thing that I have experienced lately. I hope he carries on with his good work. I think he has become a lot clear now about his life. I am still confused as to where I am going. its just office and home and my system that takes most of my time. 20% of my time goes away in junk activities. 50% goes away in passing away time in mails and social sites and the remaining time is made use of for all other activities - useful and essential.

Prakash's father was talking about an Ashram near Maduranthakam where a noble soul is taking care of orphaned children and who are seeking help from the world to provide them with material needs. He has asked to us tell about the plight of these people to the world. I think I have to start a blog or a site once I gather some information on this and hope to circulate it to the entire world. I hope people come forward to help them. But that should be done in a planned way.

The first step should be to check if the donations would be exempted from tax. For lots of people these days donate for the sake of tax. The next step would be to highlight the facilities available and what can be improved. Third would to provide a contact no and address to which the funds can be directed to. Fourth would to make sure that the fund is indeed being used properly and should be tracked to its useful contribution. This needs to be done asap and I hope God shows us the way out!!

Well, writing like this once a while definitely eases away a lot of steam inside me. I write more when the pressure inside me is more. The pressure that I have been talking about now has been building up for the past one month. I am just praying to God to show me the right path in life and to make the right decisions in life. Please Lord! You tell me when I should marry and You show me the person whom I should(if it happens to come about). Well, I am off to spend sometime on junk and go to sleep. Let the world live in peace - Loka samastha Sukhinur bhavantu.

What to do?

2007-08-21T23:14:00.000+05:30

Oh God! its been such a long time before I posted here. Actually, I cant get that girl out of my mind at all. I always try to make sure that she doesnt occupy most of my thoughts; but her thought actually fills up my entire mind. Recently, saw her photos and that triggered an entire set of emotions again.
I think I know that she is not suited for me - thats what she thinks too!! But why cant I forget her just like that. Its a habit that I developed and that I have control to leave off. I really cant understand how I got attracted to her, but she is one girl with whom I am completely free!!!
Oh God! Do guide me to take the right decision in my life!! I am at complete cross roads of my life and searching for the proper path. Please take me on the right path, even if I stray away here and there. Its this faith in you that keeps me going all time!!
I think her thoughts remind me of John Denver's song - 'She fills up my senses, like a night in the forest'!!

Returning back

2007-07-14T23:34:00.000+05:30

Oh! Its been a real long time that I posted here. Partly because of joining the new company or what can I say - lost interest? I am looking out for a girl, knowing well that i may not get married so soon. I feel I am going through a very tumultuous phase in my life. I feel I am being played and thrown about in my life.
I also feel I am losing sense of direction in my life. I leave everything to God, for I know he would definitely show me the right path. I have complete faith in my life that He would sow me the right path in my life. Anyway, I have done quite a lot of mistakes in my life and I may suffer for that. God knows what I would have committed in my previous life. Hopefully, it shouldn't be so bad. And I can track the no of times that I have sinned. So, definitely will have a tough life ahead.

Leaving that aside, there has been not a day I have spent without thinking about Harshitha. Its so tough to get her out of my mind. I see a girl at office and I am quietly reminded of her. And she occasionally calls whenever she is bored. And keeps me thinking about her for the next few days. Of course, I dont get swamped by her thoughts now. But what I have started feeling these days is whether I have started becoming very selfish in life. Or rather very self obsessed with my and mine. I think this is because of the nature of work and the amount of time we have for ourselves. I pray to You God to please guide me through this phase. Please help me take the right decisions. I sometimes feel completely stuck.

I was reading a book about emotional Intelligence where they were talking about how what we experience during childhood shape most of our thinking. I think I must have been hurt psychologically that I dont feel pain for others. Or sometimes I dont feel sympathy/empathy for others at all. Till these days I felt, it may be because of seeing them with a different opinion.

Sometimes, I feel for the girl child that falls down or the guy who skips and falls from his vehicle. But I am so hard at the core that I dont even go near them. I definitely go to help when I really Love them. At those times it is Love that prompts me to soothe their sufferings. Why cant I feel the same kind of Love to others. I have been trying hard to feel the Love; but I cant feel the same kind of intense Love for my own sisters/mother/grand mother. I felt a strong feeling of Love to Harshitha and she felt I was infatuated or just attracted. Its ok. Its a way of life teaching me things the hard way. I must have hurt someone sometime with this kind of answers.

Life is a circle, everything comes back to where it was. I just pray to You God, to help me go on the right track and take proper decisions in my life. Guide me in my every step.

Thanks Lord for being with me always. Thank You very much.

An observation

2007-04-28T08:41:00.000+05:30

One thing which I wanted to note down is the amount of feeling/energy generated whenever I talk to that girl. After the moment I talk to her, its all about her all the time. Am I so obsessed with her. Hopefully NO!! But I cant get her out of my mind. Thats the problem...

Yesterday what happened was I was relating to her in my life in every way..Thats not good...For I know that she has her own life and choices...Help me respect that..I am writing this sooo fast so as no one at home reads this before I can post....Oh God!! Save me!!!

Inbetween two New years!!!!

2007-04-01T22:01:00.000+05:30

The Telugu New Year has passed and the Tamil New year is on the horizon. One good thing was that I made a trip to Madurai and it was so refreshing. But one thing that is bothering me daily is my uncontrolled passion. I need to regulate my energy to useful pursuits. It is being wasted away unnecessarily.

And one good thing that is happening is the turning away of my mind away from Harshitha. It is soo good after all. I must have unwontedly disturbed her for such a long time. Hope we remain friends atleast in life. She is such a sweet person. She doesn’t know her own value!!!

Work has not yet started at office. One project came through and Bangalore guys are taking it. Lets see what happens to the next project. I am not showing the same enthusiasm at office. I need to work out why???

And Lord, I received my salary for this month. Please help me utilise the money in a proper way. Help me utilize in good pursuits and not waste the money Sai. Only You can show me the path in that. I have some things planned that You know. Please help me achieve them one by one. Please help me do that. It can occupy my time very usefully. And help me become a good photographer!!! It is something that I can pursue in a nice manner.

And help me stay competitive in my life all along Sai. Help me motivate my friends all along to stay positive and do well in Life.

March'ing on in Life!!

2007-03-18T23:47:00.000+05:30

Its been a very different kind of experience here at my new office. I am not able to quite put it in words, but its very different from my previous company. The first thing I would say is about attitude. Its quite different. People are more sure of what they want and feel that they are one among the very best. Those who are not very well performing are quickly identified and they are being replaced. No emotions there!!!

Other thing is the way the employee is bound to his company in terms of his knowledge and commitment. People have to be committed to the company in order to grow any time. The commitment is brought about by a set of stringent laws that form the backdrop of each functioning. It ensures that in any eventuality, the company is not held guilty for its employees actions. That’s something that Indian MNC’s have to learn. We, Indians, take everything for granted. Even the land where we live is taken for granted by us, that’s why we don’t damn care about littering our very own neighbourhood!!!

Other than these, we had a videoconference last Friday and it went fine. Nice to attach faces to the names that we were hearing most of the time. Projects are in the pipeline and it’s a matter of time that we are to be engaged. What I felt from that was that I need to be more expressive and more assertive. One thing I like about my colleagues is their assertiveness!!! And their open mindedness. Of course, I cant try to be like them, for I lose my individuality. But there is a lot to learn from them. I hope I will learn more from them in the days to come.

And one thing that glaringly struck me when I moved to the new company was the dressing sense. I was lost in the well dressed crowd. I need to be more selective in my dresses from now on. That’s one thing that I need to give a little attention. We need to dress the way our company expects us to. This is a glaring difference from my previous company. That’s also something that I am learning.

And it was t raining time last week. This time it was about proC. I didn’t know much of the basics of ProC earlier on, but was made to learn that stuff all through these 4 weeks. It’s good. At least in this way, I have learnt something new.

And I have started communicating to Harshitha again. This time I want to make sure that I remain a good friend and not be overly emotional about this relationship. May be we can be good friends at least till she gets married to someone (not sure of the poor lad)!!!! May be this feeling arises because of our sun signs and the fact that she looks good. May be other things also contributed to the earlier feeling. And I should stop talking about her to all my friends. That’s one idiotic thing that I was doing last time. That was because I didn’t have anyone to communicate to and the need for communication made me do so.

Whenever we talk, it goes on and on. I think as we mature in this relation, we will definitely understand each other better. And Lord!! Please take care of Akka. Give her good thoughts and enough patience and strength to overcome these difficult days. And bless her with a child!!! I have full faith in You, Swami!!!
And the thoughts about my marriage are subsiding. It comes out now and then. But its not of the same intensity. I think, in a matter of a few days/weeks, the thought should be of little significance. I am not sure of marriage. I don’t want to unnecessarily commit without understanding its significance. I have seen only half-baked marriages and so am I worried. But I have the faith that if I marry, I will take care of the person all my life. I don’t expect anything other than Love and affection from the other person. Only Lord knows when that would happen!!!

Moving to a new Company and a new feeling!!

2007-03-04T16:53:00.000+05:30

Well, Quite a busy period it was..these past 3 weeks. I had to complete the formalities of coming out from the company I worked – TCS and complete the joining formalities of the new company – Accenture. It was quite an experience. Its good that I made the shift as I have come to know that I was completely relaxed at TCS. I was not doing any work at all as I was not at all interested in the work that I was doing.

So, now that I am in a new company, it beckons me to learn a lot of new things. And to develop expertise in what I do. It’s quite an experience to come out and prove yourself from day 1. That’s what Professionalism is all about. I need to be more aware of where I want to be in the future and to give my very best in what I am doing at this moment.

Other than that, what I feel is that since I was having very little to do at office the past six to seven months, my mind was on to other things. Especially on girls. I was almost thinking of only girls and flirting. And in this scenario, I met a girl with whom I developed a relationship – a friendly relationship. And I mistook it for Love. I shouldn’t have done that. May be the time at those moments were like that. And the environment I was contributed to that. So, I completely immersed in that desire proposed to her and asked her to marry me. And she in the best of interests said that she never even thought of that. It’s good that she was clear. That’s what I liked about her from the first place.

So, I had asked her before I left the old company so as not to carry anything over to the new one. It brought me down to earth and after a little bit of worrying and feelings, I have come back to normal. And the work that I have at office also keeps me completely engaged. Its good in a way.

The new work environment is good. It’s something of new to me, but I am getting familiar with this. I should learn to relax and take things as they come. Keep preparing well and communicate well. That’s more important.

Oh God! Please help me give my best in whatever I do. And please help me in contributing to whatever good I can do. I lay all my insecurities, my ill feelings, my lust, my desire, my thoughtlessness, my worries, my actions, my everything at Your feet and pray to You to take care of all these.
There is nothing much I can add to this Sai. Will blog sometime later.

Proposal gone wrong!!!

2007-02-10T23:19:00.000+05:30

This was the first time that I felt I should ask a girl to marry me and what happened. She is in no way interested. I didn’t have the thought of marrying at all till I saw that girl and talked with her. It was almost going to an extreme where I was planning my life with her. So, I felt it was the right time to ask her what she felt.

She has not given me any strong and hard reasons for saying she doesn’t have the idea. But she feels she likes to be friendly to all. Nothing more than that. And she thinks that because she talks to me, I am thinking of marrying her. Oh! How ridiculous.

I have talked to her and felt that she would be in sync with my thoughts and would fit into my life. But she has not felt the same way. She seems to be more attached to her family and is happy to be a kind and a nice girl to all. So, if anyone mistakes this kindness as to a genuine interest, then it is their problem.

Initially, I felt it that way. But on interacting with her more, I felt I could spend my life with her. But that seems to be wrong; atleast from her point of view. She seems to be ready to marry whomever her father chooses. It’s nice to hear it from a girl of this age. But, I am not sure if she ever had a soft corner for me. May be girls brought up in the city are like that. Or girls who are comfortably brought up without any distinction also have the same kind of behaviour with everyone.

But she was one girl because of whom I felt I should marry. I am not sure if it was desire. I don’t feel it was desire. I didn’t want a relation with her initially. But, later as time passed, I felt that she could be in sync with me. May be I was clouded by desire during this time. I am not sure. But anyway, life doesn’t end here for either me or her. We have our own destiny to achieve. And may be there is someone else who is more suited for us that this girl.

It was good that I asked her before I left this company. Otherwise, this would have kept nagging me in the other company. But, one thing, God. She definitely made a profound impact in my life. I cannot deny that. I don’t think she will ever understand that. I just feel that someday in my life, I will sit with her, having coffee and laughing at our own childish deeds. Atleast as a friend!!!

How to define this

2006-12-31T00:08:00.000+05:30

Oops, I don’t know what to write today. I just wanted to note down my feelings these days. From the time I have put my papers here in the company, I feel a strange sense of joy. Its not because I put my papers. But really a strange feeling. I don’t know how to define that.

This month is the first time in my life that I really said something that I wanted to do which I felt from heart - To marry Harshu. I don’t know what she thinks but I feel she is really a wonderful person. I really didnt want to marry for so many reasons, but on meeting this girl I feel I should marry her. I don’t get this feeling with any other girl. With every other girl, there is sense of fear to marry, but not when it comes to Harshu.

The only thing that stops me from telling her is that I don’t know what she has planned for her life. I don’t know if I fit in into her mind space. I may like her, that’s my view point. But does she think the same about me. She is such an outgoing person and a nice girl. She may have her own desires and likes/dislikes. There could be 1000 odd reasons why she might not like me.

Well, at this stage my emotions really run high. She used to say, I am a very emotional person. I hurt myself by thinking too much. And once she said I think as a real stupid. She also cares for others so much that I cannot misunderstand her concern. That’s why, I have left things to God, for He knows what everyone should get. Harshu herself said that if we are destined to meet we will definitely do so.

I should completely redefine my relation with my sis - Sowmya. I have hurt her too much in this life. I am not sure if I can be absolved of the consequences. Sai says that we cannot escape the consequences of our deeds. So, I know I have to suffer for that. I should happily do so. But let her life be full of joy Sai. She is very similar to what Harshu is. May be Harshu has come into my life to show me what my sis feels like.

Oh God! This is the first time in my life that I have felt so strongly for a girl. Not sure if it is right or wrong. I leave all these emotions at your feet. It is raging inside me and will eat me if You don’t help. Please guide me.

Help me understand if Harshu is the person for me in this life. If not, please let me not hurt her by my silly words or actions. I will miss a good friend then. See Sai, almost I speak only of her. I sms her always. I think of her the time I get up from bed. And also before I go to bed. And all my conversations eventually lead to her. Is this right? Or I am being too emotional and that too unnecessarily.

Godavari - A journey!!!

2006-12-23T21:04:00.000+05:30

Yesterday, I was watching the movie - Godavari. It was sooo good. And at each and every dialogue of the heroine - Seetha, I was reminded of Harshu. I sms'ed my thoughts to her. As usual she didnt reply. Thats common. I dont expect a reply also. I was wondering whether Harshu changed her talk after watching this movie or this heroine's character completely is in sync with Harshu's.

Really funny. Or should I say, highly coincidental. I shouldn’t say Harshu is exactly like Seetha in that movie, but many of the mannerisms matched very much. Had real fun watching that movie. Thank God for making me watch that movie. My sis was questioning me why I was enjoying it that much. How could I say that I was seeing Harshi in place of Seetha there?

My sister completed her interview today. She seems to have done ok. Hope she gets through. I don’t know what You have planned for her Sai. Help her grow into a highly confident and wonderful person in life Swami.

And finally, my papers are put and my relieving date would be confirmed by next week. Then I need to communicate to the other company about this. Hope everything works out smoothly. Please help me understand myself more and give my best to the world. I know I can do more and this is the right time. Please help me go in the right direction and take the right decision all my Life. Please Lord!!!!

Nothing much otherwise. I am seeing the present day's marriages. Too much of parents involvement or a dis-interested guy in a marriage spoils the life of the both the partners. My elder sis is one of the affected parties in one such relationship. Please take care of her Lord. I know You are the one who is taking care of her. Help her lead a peaceful and wonderful life. And let me be of service to her all my life. Not only to her but to all.

Please help me prepare myself for the change and guide me to do well there too, Sai. Please. Leaving all at Your feet.

Quite some things have happened!!

2006-12-19T02:59:00.000+05:30

Quite a few things have happened since the last time I put my thoughts here. The first and the most important thing is that I have decided to move out. And things have fallen in place. Its as per His wish. I need a lot of disciplining and tightening up to lead my life. Life has become too easy and laidback here at this company.

I won’t give the details of the company here for someone sure is going to go through and I don’t want it to get public till I join that company. The second bog thing is that Janhavi has got engaged. Thank God!! Thanks a lot for helping her decide the right choice. I was not the right choice for her and hope she understands about that.

Then, I could meet Harshitha last Friday. It was a surprise for she had come to our office that day. And the funnier thing was that she sat beside me the whole day. I never ever felt the uneasiness I used to feel sitting next to a girl. For I could see her as a person and not as a girl. And we rarely talked for she was absorbed in her own work.

I could just say a few things here and there. But nothing much otherwise. I am not sure why she has come into my life and is making such an impact on me. I have to change a lot to atleast be able to show the same amount of love she shows to others. I didn’t observe it in my sister even though she is also very sensitive like this girl. And very caring likes her. May be God is showing me what my sister is through this person. Whenever I feel I am making a mistake I feel going farther from this girl. And whenever I feel I am ok, I feel close to this girl. Not sure why I feel so. It’s a new experience for me and I need to understand that.

I don’t think I can call it love for I have not known myself to have loved anyone from my heart. I always pray to God to teach me to Love others with all my heart and to serve others. This is one thing that I am not doing at all. May be it first setting the home right and then comes the society. God should guide me in this.

Sowmya’s talks with that guy have led to a problem that has come into public. She shouldn’t have talked. I told her long back. Not everyone who portrays themselves as good are really good. And I knew this guy was putting a mask over his face. I need to talk to him and give him a piece of my mind. When I see how this guy has changed, I remember what Swami has said – ‘Tell me your friends and I will tell who you are’. Its so true. He is in bad company and even their parents aren’t doing anything about it.

It’s a nice learning for Sowmya. She will be careful in future. I know how much she cared and how her care has been misunderstood. May be this is what Harshu feels for me. And I may be misunderstanding it for Love. Love is a very generic term and a broad one too. May be my love is selfish. Not sure. But looks like that. Please help me change.

And I should spend sometime for photography too. I shouldn’t send it to the background and forget about it. There is a lot to learn actually. This time at Janhavi’s engagement, I took most of the photographs in Portrait mode and it came ok except for the shadow of the video guy. That guy spoiled most of the photos by the shadow. There was so little space and it was so difficult to stand and get the photos done without avoiding a shadow. Hope they like it at Bangalore.

Bobby was looking good and the couple themselves were looking very much made for each other. Hope they live happily for the rest of their lives. I feel a greater sense to take up responsibility these days. I am not able to achieve that at office and this shift is making me a very dull and unhealthy person. This needs to change and God show me the right path.

Sai, once I put my papers, please guide me till end of my notice period here. And please help me in getting my resignation in a proper way. Please Lord!!! Its all upto You. And please help me in making the right choice and the right decision. I leave it at Your feet Sai. Guide me at every step and this is the period I can do a lot of learning and work. Help me grow in Life as a good person and a responsible one at that. Please Lord.

And I make sure I blabber about Harshu to my friends only and not at office. It may spoil her name. Hope it doesn’t happen Sai. She is a nice person. Help me maintain a good relation with her as a friend all through my life.

And guide Prakash to come up in His life. He is almost stuck where he is. And also Karthi and Uma chandran. How long they are going to be like this? Please help them get on with their lives. Please Lord.

And what else can I tell…I am taking each day as it comes. Future is really uncertain. People are slowly forcing me to think of marriage, but I am not sure. I felt You told me to marry at Parthi. But here I feel You are telling me not to. Which is right? Which feeling should I give respect to? Please let me know.

Please Lord!! If you are not there, what are we? Guide us Lord and help everyone in their lives. Help everyone live peacefully and do well in their lives. Its all Your play Sai.

Some musings

2006-12-09T02:00:00.000+05:30

Oh! It’s so nice to get back somewhere and post what you feel. Especially, these night shifts are really making me either dream or think more about myself rather than work. It’s so idiotic. I don’t have anyone to talk to and have to keep everything to myself. Atleast, this blog is there to let myself out.

In the past week I committed a great blunder. I had successfully stopped that for so many months and suddenly it came gushing out. I still have a long way to go in my personal life. But the problem is that I hurt others in the process so badly that, it kills me after that. It drains me completely. I don’t want it to happen again. And I pray to the Lord – Swami, please let it not happen again. It eats me internally Sai.

And started communicating through chat with the Harshu. It’s like she has come into my life for changing me completely for good. I still can’t even think that we could talk so much to girl whom we have not seen. But that’s what is happening. If I could come to know all my faults through her and am able to correct them with Gods Grace, it would be such a wonderful thing. And showering affection is so natural for women.

She asked me not to drink coffee often for that isn’t good for health. My sis says it sometimes. But do I really care? I went and had one after Harshu said also. What’s the big deal? First place – Do I really care enough or Love anyone enough? I am not sure. Do I know to Love anyone? I am not sure. That’s what Harshu also said.

When I think back and see, I really don’t care about anyone, I feel. What is that I have done for others? Nil. What is that others have gained because of me – Nil. What is the gain for this society because of my existence – nil. How is that I am still alive – Gods overflowing Love. I read about Love and I am moved. But do I really experience it from the bottom of my heart. I am not sure.

I have not known that feeling in my life. I have grown with a shell around me and have only let in people as and when I felt it proper. But people around me have shown so much Love on me. I am really indebted to them. The least I can do for my parents and sisters is to take care of them. Learn to love them.

With so many things happening in the mind, I went for the interview and it went ok. Only the HR round is pending. That would be done on Monday. I feel the salary is the tough call for me. Really not sure what to ask. I leave it to God. I am very sure He would guide me to ask the right thing. Once it is done, I should plan to resign from here. Atleast this time, help me be a little strong in my decision. And whatever was explained during the interview was pretty straight forward and worth considering taking the offer. Hopefully, God will approve it. Otherwise nothing else moves without His will.

And lot of learning to do, once that is confirmed. And activity will start again. Hopefully, everything happens for good.

About the girl

2006-11-25T18:43:00.000+05:30

This is something that is taking lots of my waking time. Thinking about the girl - Harshitha. She is really a good girl. And the time we spend talking to each other over the phone, its really quality time to understand the person behind that name. I have not seen her after the first meeting except for the photo. I really don’t know what to say about her. I have revealed some of my very personal things to her. This is not something I normally do.

The first things that come to my mind in the morning after waking up is to say prayer to My Lord and then to send a sms to this girl. I am not sure if this is due to the excessive talking with her. But time just flies when I talk to her. It may be really about mundane issues or nothing at all, but time simply flies. And today one crazy thing happened - She called me and was for most of the time talking to her friends. And I was talking to my mother at my place. For most part of the time, it was just silence. Silence is also a real nice way of saying I care about you and I think of you. It speaks more when over the phone.

I talked about most of my passion I had in college and she patiently listened to me for the most part. May be I shouldn’t bore her with my talk. But I just go on and on with her. It never seems to stop. Sometimes this mind goes above board and thinks about relation with the girl. But will it work? This is one question that keeps popping up in my head. My heart says that she is a good girl and a kind who will be adjustable in every situation. But I am not sure if we can live together. For I have so many deficiencies. My home is small, not extensively furnished; I have not yet got the driving license and no vehicle at home - not even a cycle. How will she adjust with me after enjoying luxuries at her home? I am not sure if a girl can make that much sacrifices especially a Software Engineer who also earns well and has the entire money for her at her disposal. To avoid this confusion, I dedicate all these thoughts at Your Feet. That is the only thing that makes me keep a level head.

She has also sometimes talked about this in an indirect manner. Like she has said girls will adjust to whichever family they go. And she is ready to adjust to any situation. And she has said if she is convinced that this is the guy, she can wait for that person. Like she said this when i told her, I would marry only after Sowmya. I am not sure Swami, what she means by this. May be she is trying to see whether I would be interested or is she testing me?

I want to maintain a good relation with her or i have not talked to anyone else like this except my close friends. It’s such a different experience. And all the meanings of the love songs suddenly come alive. Now I feel I understand why such lyrics are written. Really Swami, Are You teaching me to love others. For i really haven’t known to love anyone in my life. I have taken lot of things from others but haven’t given anything to anyone. Always held back saying to me that it shouldn’t lead to anything unwanted.

I have always lived in a shell and I acknowledged it to her. I haven’t said this to anyone else. For no one knows what i have experienced in life - the humiliations at/during school, the activities at school, the way i dealt with people i knew..when all put together, it looks like these are the result of past karmas. Atleast now, I am pretty sure of what is right and wrong in the true sense. May be not completely but atleast I have got a glimpse of that. I am trying for a job change now. I hope that I make the right decision, Sai. It’s all up to you, Swami.

Atleast now I know, old habits can be changed by practise and hardwork and by the Grace of the Lord. Please Lord, help me during this time to make the change complete and part of my life and please help me chant your name in my mind and not be excessively obsessed with this girl. You have said that it is wrong to think about a girl, but here I keep thinking about the relation with her. It was a chance meeting and it has continued up until now. Please help us remain good friends. Actually, i don’t feel anything sensual when talking to her except when talking about marriage or when she is trying to give a hint about something. It’s very hard to understand what a girl feels and tries to say with the words she uses.

I am not sure where this will lead us. I pray to You to help me make the right decision in life Swami - in personal things, in my career and on my way to You. I want to contribute to Samithi, but there is this something in side my mind that stops me from going - is it ego or what is that mental block. Can’t I be what I want to be in life? Yes I can be what i want to be. I just pray to You to help me achieve this.

And please help me not unnecessarily hurt others or hurt this girl in particular. She is opening up her life before me and help me respect her and let this respect be there for my Life. Even if she marries someone else, help us maintain a good relation in Life. I still am not sure if she can adjust to my way of life. For I know she is like a butterfly, who has come to spread Joy to the world- whosoever comes in contact with her. help me keep this in mind continuously for she is not exclusively meant for me. Not only her, everyone in this world with whom I interact, help me not take it for granted. Help me respect the relation and deal with people properly and with respect. Please guide me on the right path Lord. Please.!!

Career blues

2006-11-20T23:44:00.000+05:30

Well, I am back here for one main reason. And that is I feel I am pretty stuck up in my career. I am not the least interested in the work I am currently doing and none of my superiors seem to be bothered - not even my lead or my manager. They are just avoiding interaction incase I ask them any hard questions. It really sucks. Thats the only word I can think of at present. It is slowly eating away my energy and my patience. I want to make a jump but this time it should be for good.

These issues are not allowing me to learn anything new. I need to keep myself updated with what’s happening, but here nothing seems to be happening. There are all half-promises all over. The air around the project is very bad. There is no clear/clean air and I can feel that. There is always a sense of discontent and manipulation going on. This is something I feel intuitively. That’s the main reason I said, this project sucks.

There are some things that irritate me and don’t allow me to perform to my abilities and I feel there is something which is happening here that doesn’t seem to be making me perform to my ability. The first casualty yesterday was one work which I completely overlooked which I normally don’t do. I am not sure how many more times this is going to happen. I don’t want this to be a scar on my work. I know work will continue irrespective of whether I am there or not. SO, I need to make a graceful exit. They have been given sufficient time to look for alternatives. I know they are bringing in alternatives. One thing I request Lord is to guide me in this transition. I really want to make the move and I pray to You to help me make the proper change. let it not be done in haste and let it be the work I like. Please Lord! Please let me know.

This is the main reason I blogged today. The frustration is building up day by day. And I feel I can’t bear it anymore. The past 5 months were the one of the most unproductive w.r.t my work but was slightly productive w.r.t my personal life. I was able to make some changes and I feel happy for that. Please help me to continue this work in a motivated manner till I leave this company. Help me take my career that will eventually reach You in one way or the other. Please Lord, Its time i suppose!!!! Please guide me on this.

Journey to my source

2006-11-09T00:50:00.000+05:30

I felt that it would be the most wonderful trip of my life. I had planned to go for service to Prasanthi Nilayam, Puttaparthi - the Ashram of our beloved Lord - bhagavan Sri Sathya Sai Baba. It was such a nice experience. The vibrations there were so good. There were no pressures or no commitments or any thing of that kind. Mind was entirely focussed on service and it was such a good experience. I never felt like coming back again from there. This is the first time that I have ever felt that I shouldnt leave a place. My mind and heart are still tehere; with Swami..Oh my beloved Lord! wont you call me once again to Your place.

From the day I came back to Office, i had no interest to continue work. I felt that this work was so boring. What was I gaining by doing this. IS it for doing this that I studied so much. But the reality of Life - to survive makes me work. I have my responsibilities - to take care of Mother, grand mother & sister. Otherwise, I would have left this work for more satisfying adventures. but the Lord puts us in places where we can learn fast and lead us in the journey towards pur own Self faster.

When I landed at prasanthi Nilayam, all the pain of the travel disappeared as someone was mentioneing during teh travel. Had a quick wash and went and stood in line to get the allotment of duty. They asked me to remove my moustache to serve near Swami's residence. I just couldnt understand the relation between moustache and serving Swami. The Lord himself had never mentioned about this anywhere. May He Himself answer this. But one thing which I felt immediaately was, Swami was referring to my attachements when He prepared this drama to teach me that - Leave your attachements and then you can come near Me. That is the only lesson i learnt fro mthat episode. The entire day was spent waiting to be allocated.

The next day, I was alloted to do some computer work at the overseas devotees accomodation office in North blocks. my job was t otake photographs of devotees and also to prepare details of Core Group - group that serves near Swami's residence. In some way, Swami associated me with His residence. May be it is His Grace. Other than this, there was the task fo maintaining Wheel Chairs, Mattresses & Lockers. It need a lot of interaction with different kinds of people and I really enjoyed a lot. One of the sevadals who worked along with me was a senior person to me - Ananthan. He was such a simple person.

Ananthan sir also was a kind of person like my brother-in-law. but once married, he has changed his view of life and started taking care of his wife and tehy hav 2 children now. I really thought about my sister that time. It is so difficult for her and it would have been so frustrating. Oh Lord! please take care of her life. She seems to be completely lost. Give her the confidence and help her achieve in her life. Let me be a tool in this regard.

All the days went in strict discipline. Eating food at the right times. Sleeping early and doing your work with an attitude of service. The only thoughts i had was of Harshitha's and family's. may be I am thinking too much about her these days. Oh mind! always remember that she haas got her own life to lead. And dont imgine unwanted things reg her. Attach yourself to Lord and He will guide you.

The vibrations were so good and the atmosphere so saturated with Divinity that it was so uplifting. All the lower impulses were trimmed and were pulled upward. I felt no sense of boredom, tiredness or disgust at that place. Everything was a learning experience. There were lot of differences, but still the feeling of being in the prescence of the Supreme being was very awesome - truly uplifting. I didnt feel like this the time i visited earlier. It may be due to unclean heart. Please help me maintain a pure mind/heart and pray to You in my heart. Please be seated there always so that I always remain in Your awareness - in waking, dream and deep sleep. Also in life and death.

The most beautiful moment came when I was able to have Darshan of the Lord - the Supreme Being who is present everywhere, yet assumed that particular form for our sake. I just couldnt ask fo anything - eventhough I had planned to ask for many things. It was just his beautiful form which filled my entire being and my mind stood still for some time. No thoughts ever arose. How muc ever i tried to ask something, it never materialised. He knows everything and grants everything according to our karmas.

Thanks you Lord for such a wonderful experience. I just didnt feel like being back. Almost felt like crying. Oh Lord! please guide me whether I need to continue in this office.up to how much more time should I be here. Should I talk with my managers. Please let me know. I leave all my burden at your feet. Please guide me. Help me utilise my energy for proper purposes. And help me lead a purposeful life.

The journey begins!!!

2006-10-16T02:14:00.000+05:30

I have decided to continue with this blog after I felt I am wasting my time at office. But the thing is that I am not sure what I would be posting in this blog. It can be spontaneous feelings or frustrating ones. Even if it is annoying please bear with it.

The past 3 months in my life were the most unproductive in terms of work but very productive in terms of my personal life. One thing that I learnt from going to Sydney is to appreciate all that is available around you - the people, the persons, the love and afection you get here, your friends, the daily fights, the office gossips. I am not sure if money can be the only driving force in this world.

It has become clear to every one that money and power cant do everythig. After all the supreme power of the owrld could not take iraq easily then what would normal guys do in this society. Once I came back from Onsite, It was all a clear mind for me. I was initialy disturbed by the old feelings.

But, as always God came by and lifted me away from that. And he place in my hands the book - 'The monk who sold hid ferrari by Robin Sharma'. it was one of the very straight forwardbooks I have read after a long time. It followed the Indian vedic texts method of a Guru teaching his disciple fomat and tht gives the book a huge plus. I was really able to focus on my life and set my priorities by remeinding myself of the fable presented in teh book. it is reayl good and anyone willing to change sincerely should always go through it with a clear mind and without any expectations.

I talked with my lead yesterday and it was like all the frustration coming out. I felt really relieved. But the problem is that the day to day shifts is really taking a toll on the consistency of the work being done. I want to be coming regularly but that seems to be not happening. But we need to adjust but its really long time taht some change happened. I feel I am really stuck where I am. I am not sure if God wills me to be here for twice I tried outside and twice I rejected the offer. That is what confuses me completely. So, I have decided to give that a rest till things clear up.

I would going to Parthi this month end for Service. I am really happy about that. I would like to surender my life at the feet of the Lord. I know He would take care of the antire world. I just want to be with him and like Radha experiencing her Lord every moment, I would like to experience my dear Lord every moment of my life. If only it happens.

One thing focus taught me was to keep my attention on what is hapenning at the rpesent and to give it my best every moment of my life. I would like to lead every day as my last and throw away all negativism and garbage out of my mind and fill it with positive ones and useful thoughts. I know now that it is possible and it requires effort on my part. When I read Swami's teachings, I understood it but never knew how to put into practise. But the book that I read really showed me the way. I am really happy that I was able to lay my hands on that book.

I value my character more that my Life and I have decide that if my charater worsens it would be beter not to lead a life in this world. For if Character is lost, everythign is lost. I pray to Lord every day to kep up my word and my faith.

Now coming to the personal part of my life that is taking nwe turns is the realtionship with 2 girsl. First ones is Janhavi. From the time I got confirmed that she is getting married to someone else(my cousin - Bobby), a big block in my mind fell off and I was able to communicate with ehr very easily and also able to understand her thoughts. may be the block was set up by myself.

The second girl about whom I am thinking a lot these days is Harshi. She just came into my life for half an hour and has ever remained there. I am not sure if this is attraction. I have talked to her for the past 2-3 days and feel that I feel very comfortable with her. She is a nice person and very enthu kinda girl. She wants people to take her as she is and dont want others to get caried away by her looks.

The good thing I like about her is her frankness and her willingness to discuss things openly. This is a big plus considering the fact that many people bury their feelings completely to only lead to disaster in the future. She has her own life and I am just glad that I am in touch with a good person. She is a kinda girl who can bring life to wherever she is provided she is guided properly and is willing to correct herself along the way.

A little bit arrogant and playful. And also knows how to care for she doesnt want to hurt others even unintentionally. Since these things are new to me, I felt very strange talking to her on the day when she wanted to sort out things with me. She was the one who seemed to be in control. i was just following the lead.

May be this is another learning experience along the path of life. These past few days have taguht me one great thing. The power of your thoughts. You are what you think. You become what you consitenly think over a long period of time. So, every thought that enters the mind has to be evaluated if this will lead me along tha path that I hav chosen; else thoughts are sure to lead us astray. Will we accept anyone to come and spoil our homes. Dont we take care of our hime to make sure that it is neat and clean.

Similarly, the mind should be kept neat and clean. We should not allow every visitor - thoughts to come and spoil the home(mind). This night shift is really taking a toll on my mind. I am trying to remain positive throught out. But this TV is such a bad infuence on our lives. I am just recgnising the fact. It throws up so much garbage. i am really thankful to God that He made me complete my studies long before these distractions came into being. Thank God!!!

Well, Iwant to keep typing but my fingers pain and Ego starts building up. for you know what this mind in thinking currently - that this site wold be read by many and will lead me to make is a profitable venture. Junk these thougths. Fill it up with positive ones that pull yourself towards your Goal. I need to learn to articulate my goals(short term & Long term) clearly. This si something I am working on. I am also tryin to find thing that I am interested in heart and soul. Once I find that I will leave my curent job and take up doing that. For that gives the real meaning of life.